my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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