I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
