Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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