i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
