Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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