I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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