I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
