there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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