i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
