it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize