I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
