She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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