She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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