Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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