Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I AM VODKA MAN
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
