bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
