When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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