hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
