walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
