I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
