I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
