You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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