cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
