Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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