mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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