It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
