Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
