do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
