Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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