it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
