walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
