it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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