but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
