I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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