I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
