Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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