Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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