I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
