i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
