I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
