I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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