The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
