3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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