Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
