He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
