You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
