Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
