I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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