I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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