How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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