My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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