I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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