do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
