Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
