You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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