Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
