this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
