just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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