just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize