Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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