Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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