So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
