who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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